How to start your divorce

We develop fair and equitable property settlement agreements to help couples move forward. Our attorneys also represent the interests of clients in related legal matters such as revisions to wills and trusts, sale of real estate, and bankruptcy.

For some, divorce may feel like a liberating new beginning. For most, however, it is not so straightforward. The end of a relationship as important as a marriage brings numerous difficult emotions. Indeed, recovering from a divorce is similar to the grieving process one experiences when a loved one dies. The process typically consists of five stages: shock and denial; anger; ambivalence; depression; and recovery. Not everyone experiences these emotions in the same way or in the same order. You may move in and out of a phase more than once, even experiencing more than one phase at a time. It is a difficult and time-consuming process. Family counselors advise that it may take as long as one or two years to truly recover.

Understanding the process and the feelings you may experience will help you to grieve the relationship. It is important to allow yourself the time you need to recover from the traumatic experience of ending a marriage so that you can move on to the next phase of your life. An experienced family law attorney from Farrar Law Firm can provide invaluable advice and support throughout the divorce process.

Shock and Denial

When it finally becomes clear — through legal action or other confirmation — that your marriage is ending, you may experience shock and denial. The enormity of what is happening may seem like more than you can bear, and the upcoming changes may create feelings of anxiety and panic. A typical way to deal with the extreme emotions is to deny the reality of what is happening and cling to familiar routines. There is comfort in the familiar and a sense of security. Denial allows you to protect yourself from the knowledge that life will change dramatically and the feelings of fear associated with that knowledge. Denial can be an effective short-term coping mechanism as long as it does not create other problems in your life.

Anger

Feelings of anger characterize the next stage. You may be angry with yourself, your spouse, your parents, your job and everyone else around you. It is a necessary part of the process; unless it is acted out in a destructive way, it can be useful. It is not useful, however, to make the divorce process more adversarial than it needs to be. Allow yourself the time you need to move through your anger. It will help you begin to let go and put emotional distance between you and your spouse. Eventually, you will begin to think of yourself as one person, rather than one half of a couple. Until you are able to do this, it will be difficult to focus on your own needs and begin to build a new life for yourself.

Ambivalence

The third stage, ambivalence, is what can make couples break up and get back together. Ambivalence tends to be present during most of the grieving process for people who are suffering the end of a marriage. The divorce process takes people on an emotional rollercoaster ride: depressed, excited for a new life, angry, disappointed and back again. It is normal to feel out of control and uncertain.

Depression

Depression is difficult to experience, but it can help you move beyond the past into your new life. If you allow yourself to experience loneliness and confront your role in the end of the relationship, you may then be ready to let go and move on. You may be able to stop placing blame on yourself or your spouse and lose the feelings of anger and ambivalence. Your self-esteem will begin to grow, and you will be ready for the final stage: recovery. It is important to try to maintain your focus; professional counseling has been of great assistance to many during this time.

Recovery

Once you reach the recovery stage, you are feeling better about yourself. Your self-esteem may still be shaky, but you are ready to build your new life. The first step is to reestablish your social network. You may maintain the friends you enjoyed with your spouse, but often those relationships are based on the shared interests of the married couples. It could be time to find new people whose company you enjoy and who have similar needs in terms of time and activities.

Eventually, you will begin to feel like a single person and actually be comfortable as one. This is a time when you can get to know yourself and build a new identity that will guide you in making positive choices for yourself in the future.

Conclusion

No matter what stage you're in, the less you have to worry about, the better. Leave the legal maneuvering to an experienced family law attorney from Farrar Law Firm who can support you as you evolve throughout the divorce process.

Divorce Overview - The Basics

Contemplating divorce is difficult. Whether or not you are sure you want to end your marriage, it helps to learn the basics of divorce law. Should you conclude that divorce is necessary, it is important to seek the assistance of an experienced family law attorney at Farrar Law Firm.

A divorce is a judicial decree by which a valid marriage is dissolved. From a legal standpoint, the divorce process will divide the couple’s assets and debts; determine the future care and custody of their children; and give each person the legal right to marry someone else.

Division of Property

When a couple has little or no marital property, no children and no disagreement on spousal maintenance/alimony, their divorce usually goes very quickly. Most couples, however, have numerous issues to work out during the divorce process. These issues may involve children or significant marital property: personal property, real estate, a family business, large or concealed debts, trusts, real property in other states, joint and separate accounts, investments, insurance, pensions and other assets. In any divorce, especially one involving complex property matters, an experienced family law attorney can offer valuable guidance and advocacy.

Questions to Ask During Divorce

Whether to end your marriage is one of the most important and difficult decisions you will ever encounter. While this is an emotional matter, it is important to approach certain aspects of it with an analytical perspective. This is a decision that should take into account numerous issues. Once you review the following list of questions, you may reconsider your goals — or you may be better prepared to move forward while working with an attorney. Contact an experienced family law attorney to help you along the journey.

Dealing with Divorce

Understanding the process and the feelings you may experience will help you to grieve the relationship. It is important to allow yourself the time you need to recover from the traumatic experience of ending a marriage so that you can move on to the next phase of your life. An experienced family law attorney can provide invaluable advice and support throughout the divorce process.

An Amicable Divorce

Divorce is one of the most emotional experiences you will ever face. The decision to end a marriage is not an easy one, and often it is accompanied by anger, fear and resentment. The negative emotions associated with divorce are responsible for more than hurt feelings; they affect the legal process and its outcome. Most importantly, if children are involved, they can be deeply distressed. It is in your family's interest to approach divorce from an amicable perspective; this can spare you a great deal of time, money and heartache. An experienced family law attorney can help you deal with your situation clearly and objectively.

Experience You Can Count on in Court

Farrar Law Firm has years of experience dealing with spousal support cases. Our attorneys frequently work with clients to help them negotiate an appropriate support agreement. If an agreement cannot be reached, we are strong advocates for you in family court.

Factors the Family Court Judge Will Consider

Many issues will be considered when the judge arrives at a decision about whether to grant spousal support:

Income and property of each party
Needs of each party
Present and anticipated future earnings of each party
Standard of living established during the marriage
Age, physical and emotional condition of both parties
Whether any valid premarital agreement or postnuptial agreement existed between the parties
Other factors that the courts find equitable and just

If the judge agrees to order spousal maintenance, the two issues in question will be the amount of spousal support and the duration (how long support will continue). The duration of spousal support is closely linked to the length of the marriage.

To talk with an experienced divorce lawyer about your alimony concerns in a free initial consultation, call or e-mail the Farrar Law Firm.

How to Start My Divorce

Preparation

Obtaining competent and reliable information, legal and financial advice is important because it can move you in the direction of an easier, faster and better overall divorce experience. You must be informed and educated, develop a divorce plan or strategy, and become the manager of your own divorce case.

The necessary requirements of a successful divorce include preparation on three different levels: mental, emotional and financial. Before you start your divorce case, before you take any affirmative action, prepare yourself and think about your case, your life, your children and make a detailed, specific list of everything you want to achieve including the divorce or separation, consistent with your life goals and values, your children's best interests, property and overall financial security.

The issues of the legal divorce are very specific with regard to your finances, the equitable distribution of marital property, custodial arrangements that are in your children's best interests, child support and maintenance.

Put your papers in order - Put your divorce papers in order. Keep copies of important financial documents in a secure place. Critical financial papers, include tax returns, insurance policies and bank statements, investment accounts, salaries and benefit programs.
Keep an expense journal - Keep a journal of all expenses with receipts, especially your children's expenses
Establish credit - Try to establish personal credit relationships (gasoline credit cards, department stores and national credit car companies such as Visa, MasterCard, etc.)
Open a bank account in your name - Open a new bank account in your name at a bank where your spouse does not do business. Start putting away as much money as possible, on a regular basis. Later on, when you separate, you will need to have available funds to retain a divorce attorney and to pay for your day to day living expenses in case your spouse refuses to pay for your support. If your spouse withholds financial support, it will place a financial burden on you until an application for temporary support and maintenance can be heard and decided by the court.
Keep inheritances separate - Keep all inheritances separate from the marital estate. Do not put an inheritance into joint names with your spouse and do not use your inheritance money to pay for family expenses or purchases or to pay down debts.
Have access to your car - Make sure that your car is in good working condition and that it is titled jointly or preferably in your sole name.
Don't quit your job - Do not quit or leave your job if you are employed. It is important to maintain and secure your financial independence and earn enough to maintain assets such as your home.
Save receipts - While still married and living together with your spouse, it is advisable to save all of the receipts for major purchases and prepare an inventory of all of the property and assets acquired during the marriage. Keep a current inventory of your safe deposit box.
Keep your documents secure - Make sure that your valuable documents are stored in a safe place and obtain a safe address for your personal mail. Consider repayment of family loans and upgrade your clothes and personal appearance.
Prepare your spouse - Take some time to also prepare your spouse and let your spouse get used to the reality of being divorced in the near future.

Emotional Balance

Emotional endurance and balance are necessary and powerful ingredients in the divorce process.

Get support systems in place - Make sure you get strong emotional support and encouragement from trusted friends, family, spiritual advisors or psychologists to help you through the difficult, complex feelings that are associated with the divorce process.
Postpone big decisions - Postpone life altering decisions until you are able to think clearly about relocating or changing jobs or acquiring significant property.
Don't move out of your marital residence - Do not move out of the family residence without first discussing it with your divorce lawyer.
Talk to your children - Reassure your children that they are not the cause of your separation or divorce and explain this in a way that is consistent with your children's ages and maturity level. It is best to be truthful and honest and give children simple and clear answers without blaming anyone.
Take care of yourself - While you are taking care of the business aspects of your divorce, you must also take care of yourself. Have a medical and dental examination. If possible, undergo any medical treatments which are needed or anticipated in the near future if they are covered under your spouse's insurance.

Consult An Attorney

Knowledge is power. Schedule consultations with a few different attorneys who are experienced in all aspects of divorce and family law to explore strategies for your divorce case. Present your case to several divorce lawyers to get a variety of opinions and attitudes before you choose the one you want.

Bring Documents - It is helpful to bring financial documents and records for the divorce attorney to review during the initial consultation. Include as many of the following documents as possible:
- recent pay stubs
- tax returns for the past three to five years
- bank statements and credit card statements for the past three to five years
- pension and any other retirement and employment benefits both you and your spouse are entitled to receive, including year end bonuses, health insurance and life insurance
- copies of deeds to real property and statements of any mortgages or equity loans that are due
Don't sign any papers - Do not sign any documents, contracts, promissory notes, deeds, mortgages, etc. if your spouse requests you to do so. The consequences of signing any documents or papers may be irreparable and highly prejudicial to your legal and financial rights upon a divorce.
Don't move out of your marital residence - Do not move out of the marital residence without first discussing it with your divorce lawyer.

Open Communication

Most divorce cases are settled by the spouses between themselves, not necessarily by their divorce lawyers, so you will both benefit, in the long run, by keeping communication lines open. The way in which you and your spouse behave and communicate with each other during the most stressful moments in your marriage, will serve as a mirror image of how you will behave through the divorce process.

Beware of your motivations

If your top priority is your children, your decisions must be consistent with their best interests, not just yours.

If you realize that some of the problems you are fighting about will not matter in the future, then the same issues probably do not matter in the present moment. Therefore, let go of these issues and focus on the important ones!

It is a good idea to frequently reassess your actions while going through the process of a divorce and make sure you continue to focus and move towards your ultimate goals.

It's time to reclaim your life.

Return to the Legal Resource Center

Our Services